Parenting

Am I able to provide a safe, nurturing home for 18+ years?

One of the most important things to consider when deciding whether to parent a child is whether or not you have the ability to provide a safe nurturing home that puts a roof over the child’s head, consistent food and water on the table, a bed to sleep in, access to education, and other essential necessities. At some points in life, it is hard enough to ensure you have access to these things for yourself. By choosing to parent, you are signing an invisible social contract that you will do whatever necessary to make a safe home for this child where they can flourish and grow into a young adult.

Am I in a place of emotional and mental maturity to put another person before myself?

Parenting a child is not an easy task. There are a lot of sacrifices including sleep, finances, and personal desires. A person needs to decide if they are in a place to make sacrifices of a mental and emotional nature for that child for the rest of his/her life.

Do I have a network to help me to raise this child/or in case of emergency?

The saying “it takes a village” holds a lot of truth when it comes to raising a child. It can be very important to have a network of individuals you trust to step in when you need a break, need a babysitter, or have an emergency. These people can be family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. but it is a smart idea to have a village if possible when choosing to parent a child.

Adoption

Am I okay with my child being parented differently than I would parent myself?

Much of a person’s parenting style comes from lived and learned experience, which varies among individuals. When placing your child for adoption, the person who accepts the task of raising your child will have had a different experience in life than you, which will affect the choices they make as a parent. They may not possess the same cultural background or understanding as you, or may have different feelings on how to participate in religion or the amount of “screen time” a child should have. In placing your child for adoption, you have to accept that these things are no longer your choice to make, and trust that those that are parenting your child have similar views and/or respect your wishes.

Am I okay with having my child grow up away from me, and possibly see it through the avenues of open adoption? 

When considering an adoption plan, one must ask themselves if they are okay with having the child grow up away from them. One has to question if they are mentally and emotionally okay with not experiencing their child’s firsts first hand and allowing someone in a different place in their life to take the reins of parenting. If wishing for an 0pen adoption, you have to be prepared for the good and the bad feelings that can come with seeing your child’s triumphs and falls, and having a place on the sidelines of it. (Take a personal note from me: I have found an adoption being open worth every feeling!)

Am I okay if the adoption was to be closed and I no longer had contact?

This is one of the hardest questions I think any expectant or birth parent can ask of themselves. It is admitting that you don’t have control of what the future holds, but trusting that the adoptive parents of your child will honor you and your child’s birth story. While some states have open adoption agreements, many do not. When making an adoption plan in a state that doesn’t, one has to consider this as a possibility.

The most important thing to consider when assessing your options of parenting and adoption is that you are the one in control of your adoption plan and who has the ability to make the best decision for you and your baby. You may feel that time isn’t on your side, but do not fret. Take the time to consider all options and resources and find a trusted individual or professional to speak to. Good luck and know that you are not alone.

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1. The biggest task that an adoption social worker does for adopting families is matching the children. Not every child will fit into every family. Adoption social workers will help you find the child that best fits your family through matching. Matching includes studying the child’s background and needs and studying the family’s needs to ensure that the family that is chosen is the best fit for the child.
2. The next task that the adoption social worker will do is to provide pre-adoptive education to help prepare you for both first-time parenting and parenting children from hard beginnings. They will facilitate workshops that cover a wide range of topics such as grief and loss, attachment, the effects of institutionalization, transracial parenting, cross-cultural issues, and open adoption. Most agencies will require that you complete a set amount of pre-adoptive education and show proof of that completion.
3. The third task that an adoption social worker will do is provide post-adoption support. Social workers are an important part of the child’s life and the family’s life. Many children will come with a host of medical issues, neurological, emotional and behavioral problems that require specialized parenting and educational strategies. Some social workers offer their own counseling services. 

I hope that you feel more relaxed now that you know about the support services available to you through your adoption social worker. Take advantage of these services so that you can be the best parent to your child.

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Some things just require professionals to make sure that they are done correctly, safely, efficiently, and with little fear of setbacks in the future. While adoption may seem like something one can achieve through court paperwork, there are many cooks in the adoption kitchen. Legally, adoption will require the intervention and facilitation of many adoption experts to ensure an adoption process is navigated with professionalism and excellence. There are three types of adoption experts who play a vital role in the adoption process.

Agencies

One of the first things any prospective adoptive parent will do is find an adoption agency to help facilitate their adoption. An adoption agency is needed in almost every adoption to ensure that the process is handled professionally and in accordance with both federal, state, and, if applicable, international adoption laws. Adoption agencies are also utilized by birth parents to legally place their child with a family and to ensure they receive the social services necessary to support the pregnancy and their adoption plan. An adoption agency will have the most expertise on the adoption process and is invaluable to both prospective and birth parents.

Social Workers

Depending on the type of adoption someone is pursuing, social workers may play many different roles. For foster care adoption, the social worker will handle most of the adoption process including considerations for the well being of the child. In any adoption, social workers facilitate the necessary steps in the adoption process such as the home study and education for prospective adoptive parents. In most states, social workers also perform post-placement visits for a new adoptive family to ensure the child is being cared for and there are no additional services needed. Social workers are at the heart of the adoption process and are the main common component that will be found in every adoption. Adoption cannot be achieved legally without the important work of these adoption experts. 

Attorneys

Adoption attorneys are involved in every adoption case; however, some may be through an agency or organization. However, many choose to hire an adoption attorney in addition to their agency or in many cases of kinship adoption. Some may also choose to use just an adoption attorney in cases of independent adoption, though they would still need to use an agency or licensed social worker to complete their home study. Adoption attorneys provide that extra reassurance that the law is being followed closely in adoption proceedings. They are able to facilitate the legal process but also represent you if you find yourself in an uncomfortable or unfamiliar position. Adoption attorneys will also be available to represent the best interest of a birth parent. Some states require that the adoptive parents pay for legal representation for the birth parent. With the many twists and turns that adoption can bring, adoption attorneys are incredibly helpful to navigate all the red tape. 

Adoption experts are important because adoption is one of the most important endeavors you will ever take in your entire life. There is no room for error. You will need those in your corner who have done this before, many times, as well as those who have an extensive knowledge of the adoption process. The most important aspect of your adoption will be making sure that it is carried out efficiently and legally. Adoption experts ensure that abundant care is taken to make sure every “t” is crossed and every “i” dotted.

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If you are familiar with adoption at all, you probably know about Birth Mother’s Day. It is usually celebrated the Saturday before the traditional Mother’s Day, or the first Saturday in May. Your relationship with your child’s birth mother is, will depend on how you celebrate the day. Likewise, if you want to celebrate the birth father in your life, I suggest using the Saturday before the traditional Father’s Day to remember your child’s birth father. Society has not pressed the celebration of Birth Father’s Day as much as Birth Mother’s Day but if you have a relationship with him or want to express your gratitude towards him, please take these suggestions and use them for your child’s birth father.

If you have an open adoption, you may want to contact your child’s birth mother on the day just to remind her how thankful you are for her and her decision to make an adoption plan. Having your child make a handmade card and sending it to her may also be another good idea. We also like the idea of sharing our son’s adoption story with him on this day. It is a great way to remember the sacrifice she made and talk about his birth mother in a positive way.

If you don’t have an open adoption, you could still make a card or send a letter to your agency if they have a way of getting in touch with her. Even if your relationship is semi-open, I can imagine she would appreciate even the smallest gesture to show you have not forgotten her. Also, take this time to talk to your children about their adoption story. This is a great day to share and reminisce about becoming a family.

If you have a closed adoption or have very little knowledge about your child’s birth mother, you should still talk to them about their adoption story and share what information you have, if appropriate. As your adoptive children get older, this would also be a good time to ask them to write a letter to their birth mother or father and express how they feel or what they would like to say to them. This way it is still an opportunity to talk about their adoption story and their feelings at the same time.

If you are anything like me, giving thanks to your child’s birth mother and/or father one day per year just doesn’t seem right. I wouldn’t be able to hear the sweet whisper of “mom” without her. We also have a very beautiful, open relationship with our son’s birth mother, which lead to the creation of our blog together at www.threeismyhappyplace.com. Where we both share the joys and struggles of raising a child in a very open relationship. We have spent weekends together camping, hotel stays, birthday celebrations, church services, and more trying to figure out how to balance an open adoption relationship. 

I recently read an article where they suggested planting a tree in celebration of Birth Mother’s Day. I thought this was such a beautiful idea. What a great way to remember and celebrate the special day. They also suggested making a donation to a certain charity in place of buying gifts. The adoption relationship can be complicated at times and maybe your child’s birth mother or father doesn’t want a gift to be reminded of their decision but planting a tree or making a donation in their name would be a great way to celebrate their decision and not let go of their memory.

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First, know that it is not your fault.

We questioned time and time again where we went wrong in the process. We had already had a two and half a year old through the gift of adoption, so we knew what the process looked like and have an amazing relationship with our son’s birth mom. Maybe part of it was our fault for “comparing” what our first adoption looked like to this one. But whatever the reason, we still blamed ourselves for not doing more or not doing things differently. Over time you realize there is nothing you could have done differently. Adoption is an emotional process for all involved and it takes two to build an adoptive relationship and make it work. We simply were not a good match for each other. We saw things differently. Maybe she wanted more contact than we were willing to give. Or she thought we were going to turn our backs on her after the baby was born. Whatever the reasons, our relationship did not work, which meant the adoption did not work.

Give yourself time. Give yourself grace. 

It is hard to lose something you thought you were going to have. I have compared the process to the grief process. For us, one of the hardest things was knowing that the baby was being raised by someone else (the birth mom in our case). This was supposed to be our baby. She was supposed to be our son’s baby sister. Losing that hurt. Losing her hurt. But almost two years later the hurt is less and less. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about what our life could/would have been but I don’t think about it as often.

Talk about it.

I know it is hard to talk about. I cried for what felt like months after it. I didn’t want to talk about it. But I know I had to. I was also mad. We felt like we were taken advantage of and lost a baby all at the same time. The emotions were high. But the more I talked about it, the better I felt. I have a few family members who I consider my counselors, so I didn’t seek out a professional, but I did talk to my counselors. If you need professional help though, seek it out. Or if you have a family member/friend that is great at listening and giving great advice, seek them out. There is no shame in it. If I have learned anything over the course of my life, it is that I need to talk about it. I need to get the feelings off of my chest. I need to talk through what happened and how to process it. That doesn’t mean I am weak or that I can’t handle life on my own. It means I am human and can admit that I can’t do it on my own and need help. You can also seek out support groups. Most churches will be able to point you in the right direction if you need help locating one in your area. Also, if you are working with an adoption agency, they may be able to help you find others who have been in your shoes. Along both of our adoption journeys, I loved talking with people who also were adopting or had failed adoptions, as they truly know what you are going through and can offer the best advice and support.

For whatever reason your adoption failed, don’t give up hope. We know it is hard in the moment, but it does get easier. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t scare you to try again, but if you desire is to have a family through the gift of adoption, keep trying and don’t give up hope.

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1. Adoptive parents. The first expert you need is an adoptive parent. Before making the decision to adopt, it is important for you to talk to someone you know who has previously adopted a child. They can provide you with advice and help you determine if adoption is right for you. They can also support you throughout the process by encouraging you and giving you tips.
2. Adoption Social Worker. The second person you need is an adoption social worker. An adoption social worker is a person who facilitates the adoption and works with both the family and the child. An adoption social worker specializes in working with children who have been legally separated from their biological parents. An adoption social worker may focus on domestic adoption, international adoption or both. They divide up their time between schools, the office, hospitals, foster homes, adoptive parent homes and any other place where the child may go. 
3. Adoption lawyer. Once you have decided on adoption, you need to get an adoption lawyer. An adoption lawyer can help you navigate the legal aspects of adoption and help you complete the necessary paperwork. They may also represent you in court and give you advice throughout the process.
4. Adoption doctor. The last expert you will need is someone who specializes in adoption. Whether you are adopting domestically or internationally, an adoption doctor can help you both prior to the adoption by helping you determine the best child for you based on medical information and after the adoption by completing any necessary medical exams to help the child. 

These are the top four experts you need for your adoption journey, but you may find that you need more help than just this. It’s important to think about what you need for your adoption journey before deciding on the help you may receive. I wish you the best on your journey. 

Considering adoption? Let us help you on your journey to creating your forever family. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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1. 6 in 10 Americans have had a personal experience with adoption.

2. Nearly 100 million Americans have adoption in their immediate families.

3. Approximately 135,000 children are adopted in the United States each year.

4. Approximately 428,000 children are in foster care in the United States.

5. Every year, there are about 1.3 million abortions. Only 4 percent of women with unwanted pregnancies place their children for adoption.

6. The majority of women who place their babies for adoption are in their mid-twenties.

7. The typical age range for birth mothers is early teens to late thirties.

8. Many birth mothers are already parenting at least one child.

9. Birth parent grief often lasts a lifetime, with approximately three-quarters of birth mothers still experiencing feelings of grief and loss 12-20 years after placement.

10. Overall, the number of babies placed for adoption is falling. In fact, only 18,000 infants were placed for adoption in 2014, compared to 80,000 in 1971.

11. Adopting abroad has become harder. Only 5,400 children were adopted internationally in 2016, compared to 23,000 in 2004, according to the State Department.

12. The total number of adoptions in the U.S. has fallen from around 133,000 in 2007 to approximately 110,000 in 2014.

13. The 2017 Federal Adoption Tax Credit is $13,570, which helps offset the cost of adoption. Adopters with a modified adjusted gross income of $203,540 or less qualify for this credit. 

14. The cost to adopt a child ranges from $0-$40,000+, with foster care adoption costing nothing to very little, licensed private agency adoptions ranging from $5,000-$40,000, and international adoptions often costing more than $30,000.

15. The average age of a child waiting in foster care is around 8 years old.

16. More than half of kids in foster care will be reunited with their biological families. 

17. Nearly one-quarter of children in foster care will be adopted. Foster parents adopt many of these kids.

18. 62 percent of children adopted privately are placed with their families as infants less than 1-year-old. 

19. Almost half of the children who were adopted privately are only children in their adoptive homes.

20. Only 1 percent of domestic adoptions were open twenty years ago.

21. Today, approximately 60-70 percent of domestic adoptions are open. 

22. 99 percent of adopted children age 5 and older know they were adopted and 90 percent have positive feelings about their adoption.

Sources: Adoption Network Law Center, The Economist, The National Council for Adoption, AdoptHelp, FindLaw, Child Welfare Information Gateway, ABC News, Creating a Family.

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I was adopted when I was seven years old. We adopted my two youngest children when they were five and ten. As older children, we were adopted because something broke. Something in our lives shattered, and we had to have a new family.

Adopting an older child means you are going to have to work for their love. While I felt a connection to my boys immediately, they had no such connection. With a very concerted effort on my part I earned their trust and love. After about eight months I said to my then 11-year-old, “You know you love me – why don’t you just say it.” I received a half a grin and a humph. I took that as an “I love you” and high-fived my husband. After 13 years, the “I love yous” are few and far between but earnestly given.

Adopting an older child means you are going to have to help them catch up. I was adopted at seven but had never been to school. My mother spent many hours helping me catch up to the other first graders. My boys had the added challenge of having to learn to speak a new language and the youngest was developmentally behind. It was not always fun and sunshine when I was learning my alphabet or my boys were learning their multiplication tables. There were times when they really wanted to lean on an adoption excuse. There were times when I just wanted to hand them a calculator and call it a day! In our family we work hard, and now they were family – so no excuse. When the oldest started taking calculus, I threw up my hands and called uncle. He had to start tutoring me!

Adopting an older child means you are going to teach things you never thought you would have to. At seven my mother had to teach me how to run the bath water and take a bath properly. My five year old had to be taught to use toilet paper. The ten year old had never ridden in a car. These children have not had an opportunity to learn what we consider “normal things.” Be careful to take these learning opportunities in stride and not make the children feel deficient. We all must learn sometime. Some of our most fun times were the smiles when a challenge had been mastered.

Adopting an older child means you will need to protect them for a while. Well-meaning people will say things that will make you cringe. Today, you would never know my boys were not always a part of our family, but there was a time when it was obvious and people loved to point out to them how lucky they were to be adopted. It doesn’t feel lucky when you are going through it and to be told how lucky you are when you are miserable isn’t helpful. You will need to get ahead of the comments from teachers, friends, and even family. They need to be able to feel whatever it is they are feeling and not feel guilty for it.

It’s a challenge to adopt an older child. There is a lot of sass and a lot of tears. Sometimes those tears are yours, and sometimes they belong to the child. They can be wonderful tears. When you see the little boy who couldn’t even jump off the curb trying out for the jump rope team, you will have tears. When the little boy who won’t say “I love you” comes in the kitchen and gives you a huge hug you have tears. It is all worthwhile when your now seventeen-year-old suddenly says from the back seat, “Hey Mom, you know I love you right?”  Yeah, more tears.

Adopting an older child means you have much more love in your life! 

Do you feel there is a hole in your heart that can only be filled by a child? We’ve helped complete 32,000+ adoptions. We would love to help you through your adoption journey. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98.

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1. It must be a desire that is growing in your heart.

Adoption is difficult, in many aspects, and doing it on a whim is just going to end in heartache for someone. The desire can be birthed out of many things: infertility, loss, adoption within your family as a child, or just a desire that’s always been there. Infertility and loss spurred me on, but the desire was there even before those issues came to be. There is an adoption poem I have always loved…

Not flesh of my flesh

Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn’t grow under my heart,

But in it.

-Fleur Conkling Heyliger

2. Adoption can be open, closed or anything in between.

Some birth families choose adoptive families early in their pregnancy and get to know them throughout it. They develop a relationship that then grows into something so beautiful for the child: two families blending together to love a child. Some birth families choose at birth or after, and some don’t have a choice due to choices they’ve made and rights being stripped.

My family includes my son whose adoption is semi-closed. We send pictures and a written update once a year to the adoption agency we used. His biological parents have the choice whether they want to contact the agency and see those updates or not. They may not ever choose to do so, but if and when they do they will have that information. My daughter’s adoption was through the U.S. foster care system and it is completely closed. Her biological parent’s rights to her were taken from them by a court of law and so contact was not allowed. We have continued that after the adoption, for her safety.

Open or closed is the decision of the adoptive and birth families, and it can be altered to best suit both families’ wants and desires.

3. Adoptions take place internationally or domestically (in-country).

International and domestic adoptions take place through an adoption agency. A private adoption is one between two parties that can be done with a lawyer; leaving out the adoption agency. In the US we also have foster care, which is full of children of all ages awaiting a family. Foster care adoptions take place through child welfare agencies. There are so many more details specific to each type of adoption, but we are just sticking to the basics here.

4. Cost.

Adoption, like most things in life, does come with a financial cost. Domestic and international adoptions come with hefty fees–to give a broad scope, it would be between 15k and 50k. Private adoptions tend to run lower in cost coming in between 5k and 15k. Foster care adoptions are next to nothing in comparison, between $500 and $1500. Some foster care adoption fees are completely reimbursed which is a huge blessing! The costs can be astronomical, but trust me when I say that it is all worth every dime!

5. No more privacy.

Be prepared to let it all out. You will be required to fill out form after form asking invasive questions in regards to your childhood, family, and your past. Then, a caseworker will come into your home and ask you the same questions in person. You will also have to give a tour of your home; inside, outside, up and down. Your financial status will be reviewed, evaluated, and questioned as well. Privacy no longer exists, but that pretty much is to be expected with parenting as well!

It is so hard to get through all that adoption entails in one article. Out of all of the details that adoption requires remember that it will be one of the very best things you will ever do in your life. It is loving a child, giving a child a family, giving your family a child and there is nothing more satisfying or rewarding than that. I hope this info helps ease that anxiety and make that smile a little bit wider. Happy adopting!!! (And don’t forget if you have an adoption question to ask right here!) If you want to start the adoption process by creating an adoption profile, visit adoption.com/profiles to do so.

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Seven years. Two miscarriages. Two years in the adoption process. That’s what it took for me to finally become a mom. It wasn’t a title that came easily, and I wear it proudly and gratefully. Being a mom is no doubt the most challenging and rewarding experience I’ve ever had. Adding to my complex mix of emotions, challenges, and realizations, is the fact that I am also an adoptive parent. I’ve learned so many important lessons along the way, and today I’d like to share some of those insights with you. If you’re hoping to adopt or just plain curious, these are five things I’ve learned because I’m an adoptive parent.

1) You can love a child not born to you as your own.

Some people question the bond between an adoptive mother and a child. Will you love the child as your own? Will you feel a connection? Is the love you have for an adoptive child the same as the love you have for a biological child? In my experience, the answer is yes! I’ve loved my daughter from the moment I first saw her in the hospital. I’ll never forget holding her in my arms and looking down at her in awe as all new parents do. We may be different, but our bond is strong. I couldn’t imagine loving her more if she were born to me. And I’m not the only one who feels this way. So many adoptive parents I’ve talked to agree. In fact, one mom who has both a biological and adoptive child happily told me that the love she feels for her children is the same. Genes are not what makes a family, love is.

2) Many people don’t understand adoption.

“Aren’t you afraid the birth mom will want her back?” they ask with concern. No, I’m not afraid because adoption is permanent. Once the papers are signed and the court appearances are over, birth parents cannot change their minds and reclaim a child. And despite the popular belief that adoptive parents are saints for raising “someone else’s child,” we’re all just regular people who chose to form our families in a different way. Our daughter is our child, and we are her parents, just like any other family.

3) I’m a “real” mom.

A biological mother is often referred to as the “real” mom. But you don’t need to share genes or give birth to be a real parent. Every tear I’ve wiped, story I’ve read, or dance recital I’ve proudly attended makes me just as much of a mom as anyone else. I’ve been there for my daughter every step of the way—from her first bottle to the sleepless infant nights to her first words and tiny, wobbly steps. I’ve provided countless words of encouragement, attended numerous school functions, and worried many nights when she was sick. It doesn’t get more real than that.

4) Adoption is both happy and sad.

While adoption can be wonderful, it isn’t all sunshine and roses. The day our daughter was born, my husband and I experienced just about every emotion you can think of—joy, fear, excitement, and sorrow. We were understandably happy we were about to become parents, but so sad for our daughter’s birth family. As we were about to start our new life as a family, they were preparing to say good-bye to their child. It’s a tough situation. You can’t have adoption without loss. You can’t experience the joy without facing the sadness.

5) Life can take you on unexpected journeys.

When I first decided I wanted to become a mother I assumed, like most hopeful parents, that I would get pregnant and give birth. But my journey to motherhood was much richer and more challenging than I ever anticipated. Through my tears, struggles and disappointments, I ended up on an incredible path that led me to my amazing daughter. Although what I went through to become a mom was devastating and heartbreaking, I truly believe I ended up exactly where I was supposed to be.

I’ve learned so many things as an adoptive parent. But two stand out in my mind: Adoption is a blessing, and motherhood is one of life’s greatest treasures.

Are you ready to pursue adoption? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to connect with compassionate, nonjudgmental adoption specialists who can help you get started on the journey of a lifetime.

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