If you are familiar with adoption at all, you probably know about Birth Mother’s Day. It is usually celebrated the Saturday before the traditional Mother’s Day, or the first Saturday in May. Your relationship with your child’s birth mother is, will depend on how you celebrate the day. Likewise, if you want to celebrate the birth father in your life, I suggest using the Saturday before the traditional Father’s Day to remember your child’s birth father. Society has not pressed the celebration of Birth Father’s Day as much as Birth Mother’s Day but if you have a relationship with him or want to express your gratitude towards him, please take these suggestions and use them for your child’s birth father.

If you have an open adoption, you may want to contact your child’s birth mother on the day just to remind her how thankful you are for her and her decision to make an adoption plan. Having your child make a handmade card and sending it to her may also be another good idea. We also like the idea of sharing our son’s adoption story with him on this day. It is a great way to remember the sacrifice she made and talk about his birth mother in a positive way.

If you don’t have an open adoption, you could still make a card or send a letter to your agency if they have a way of getting in touch with her. Even if your relationship is semi-open, I can imagine she would appreciate even the smallest gesture to show you have not forgotten her. Also, take this time to talk to your children about their adoption story. This is a great day to share and reminisce about becoming a family.

If you have a closed adoption or have very little knowledge about your child’s birth mother, you should still talk to them about their adoption story and share what information you have, if appropriate. As your adoptive children get older, this would also be a good time to ask them to write a letter to their birth mother or father and express how they feel or what they would like to say to them. This way it is still an opportunity to talk about their adoption story and their feelings at the same time.

If you are anything like me, giving thanks to your child’s birth mother and/or father one day per year just doesn’t seem right. I wouldn’t be able to hear the sweet whisper of “mom” without her. We also have a very beautiful, open relationship with our son’s birth mother, which lead to the creation of our blog together at www.threeismyhappyplace.com. Where we both share the joys and struggles of raising a child in a very open relationship. We have spent weekends together camping, hotel stays, birthday celebrations, church services, and more trying to figure out how to balance an open adoption relationship. 

I recently read an article where they suggested planting a tree in celebration of Birth Mother’s Day. I thought this was such a beautiful idea. What a great way to remember and celebrate the special day. They also suggested making a donation to a certain charity in place of buying gifts. The adoption relationship can be complicated at times and maybe your child’s birth mother or father doesn’t want a gift to be reminded of their decision but planting a tree or making a donation in their name would be a great way to celebrate their decision and not let go of their memory.

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First, know that it is not your fault.

We questioned time and time again where we went wrong in the process. We had already had a two and half a year old through the gift of adoption, so we knew what the process looked like and have an amazing relationship with our son’s birth mom. Maybe part of it was our fault for “comparing” what our first adoption looked like to this one. But whatever the reason, we still blamed ourselves for not doing more or not doing things differently. Over time you realize there is nothing you could have done differently. Adoption is an emotional process for all involved and it takes two to build an adoptive relationship and make it work. We simply were not a good match for each other. We saw things differently. Maybe she wanted more contact than we were willing to give. Or she thought we were going to turn our backs on her after the baby was born. Whatever the reasons, our relationship did not work, which meant the adoption did not work.

Give yourself time. Give yourself grace. 

It is hard to lose something you thought you were going to have. I have compared the process to the grief process. For us, one of the hardest things was knowing that the baby was being raised by someone else (the birth mom in our case). This was supposed to be our baby. She was supposed to be our son’s baby sister. Losing that hurt. Losing her hurt. But almost two years later the hurt is less and less. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about what our life could/would have been but I don’t think about it as often.

Talk about it.

I know it is hard to talk about. I cried for what felt like months after it. I didn’t want to talk about it. But I know I had to. I was also mad. We felt like we were taken advantage of and lost a baby all at the same time. The emotions were high. But the more I talked about it, the better I felt. I have a few family members who I consider my counselors, so I didn’t seek out a professional, but I did talk to my counselors. If you need professional help though, seek it out. Or if you have a family member/friend that is great at listening and giving great advice, seek them out. There is no shame in it. If I have learned anything over the course of my life, it is that I need to talk about it. I need to get the feelings off of my chest. I need to talk through what happened and how to process it. That doesn’t mean I am weak or that I can’t handle life on my own. It means I am human and can admit that I can’t do it on my own and need help. You can also seek out support groups. Most churches will be able to point you in the right direction if you need help locating one in your area. Also, if you are working with an adoption agency, they may be able to help you find others who have been in your shoes. Along both of our adoption journeys, I loved talking with people who also were adopting or had failed adoptions, as they truly know what you are going through and can offer the best advice and support.

For whatever reason your adoption failed, don’t give up hope. We know it is hard in the moment, but it does get easier. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t scare you to try again, but if you desire is to have a family through the gift of adoption, keep trying and don’t give up hope.

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